I think I’m crazy, because instead of going to bed now, I’m blogging now.

Life is such a roller coaster ride for me. Sometimes it’s awesomely great, and other times it’s nothing but loads of disappointments.

Although it was kind of expected, the process of working on the proposal till when it got rejected was still not a pleasant one. The kind of support that I was expecting lacked the most. It was like nobody had the faith in themselves. And I thought this whole thing would help in the boosting of the morale, well, it didn’t.

Semester ended, and it is nothing but goodbyes. Yes, I do have people I dislike to the core, but still there are people whom I met who really changed my life and perspective for it. They taught me lots of things, opened my eyes to wonders I’ve never seen, make me feel awesome when I know they are there for me during my lowest time of my life. Friends were made; friendships were further developed from there.

One by one, people I know are leaving. All I feel is waste. Although I’m not really the “till-death-do-us-part” kind of relationship with them, it’s still sad to see them leave. Through these hardships, we built a bond, a bond so special I’ve never felt anything like it before, and now, these interconnected bonds are broken one by one, so sad.

Spent my whole day at home rotting, lucky for I have cable television programs. Watched Gran Torino this afternoon, and I cried. It’s just so touching how people can feel for each other. Maybe after all, humans do still feel emotions. But it was kind of too dragy for me; I kept wandering off to other channels while watching it.

Don’t know why, I’ve been gaining so much weight recently, it is scary. I’ve been eating a lot recently too, having dinner after training around nine plus, and feeling hungry after two hours. I’ve never felt like this before. Weight gets heavier, appetite gets bigger and my clothes now feel so much smaller, it feels as if I’m pregnant, goodness.

My abs aching so badly today when I woke up, I can hardly sit straight. To add on to my misery, I hit my tailbone so badly the area is totally bruised. To make things worse, I fell and sat right on the exact same spot, now I’m shifting my butt while sitting from left cheek to the right one and back again. It is like a cycle now, left, right, left, right…

I swear I must have fallen and injured myself last night while I was sleeping, my abs feels as if someone went to hit me. The ache is so bad; it feels like it is bruised from inside out. I cannot even straighten my torso now; even standing straight is a difficulty to me. The worse thing is that panaflex has no effects on it!

Not only are my abs aching, my old injuries are all acting up again. The sharp piercing pain in my inner thigh while running, the shoulder/deltoid pain while paddling and gymming, knee giving way while running, ankle swelling at night and in the early morning, aches and pain from both my wrist after gym sessions; all these are so irritating and bothering.

I’m constantly worried about how these injuries will behave in the near future. I cannot stop training now and go and rest those injuries, I just don’t have the time to do so. It all boils down to all that I’ve learnt in class – taping and bandaging, cryotherapy and thermotherapy.

It is going to be four months, and I’ve not let it go. I swear it is not because I don’t want to. Trust me, you’ve done enough to turn any girl off, but it’s just not working on me at all. Is it because I know you’re good, is it because you were once so nice and sweet to me, is it because I still think you love me? Good gracious, how naïve can I get? Sometimes I post something just to make you tell me things I want to hear, which girl doesn’t do that, but again, you’re not that kind of guy, wasn’t one, will not be one.

You’re always true on your comments, you don’t care if it is going to hurt, and you just say it. Just like how you stared at me the other time, as if I murdered your whole family. It frightened me, left me in shock, till now, I still remember that stare of yours. The way you told me things I dreaded to hear, but I know at the back of my mind, that is how you truly feel.

People call me dumb, naïve, and you curse and swear at me, telling me things that I don’t even think/know I have. It’s nothing but hurt. What to do, it’s all over, I cannot go back into history to change anything can I? Like what you said, “I cannot control how you feel can I?” yea, you cannot control how I feel/think, neither can I control how you feel/think. What I can do is plain hoping and trusting you that you are what you say, that you don’t like/love anyone else now. But is it enough for me? Are us being friends enough for me? No, I don’t think so. But no matter what I say/do, nothing can change our status quo, it’s not about me, it’s about you.

Confusion is all that I feel now;
Delusions are all that I see now;
Yet you are all that I think of now.