I don’t understand why I rely so much on your promises and words. Sometimes I feel so dumb and naïve for placing this much hope on them. Because every time I placed my trust in it, I end up feeling like a fool, a huge moronic fool.

I don’t know if it’s because o f the amount of trust I have in you is too little, or is it me being paranoid, but no matter what, the insecurity level doesn’t seem to drop a single bit at all. If promises are meant to make someone feel safe and protected, I’m definitely not feeling any of those. Instead, I’ve grown to fear promises, anything that requires me to put my faith and trust; I do not dare choose to place them there.

Promises that came back to me with harsh truths, that’s what hurts me the most; knowing that I placed all my trust, faith, love and hopes on one, yet, I’ve gotten nothing but a huge tight slap from reality. Sometimes, I know that that would be what I’m going to get back ultimately, but again, I chose to place my faith in you like I always did, but the outcome would be like the same. And trust me, if I were to be persuaded and convinced by you one more time, my faith and all would be again, entrusted to you.

At times, I’m really the foolish, brainless girl who seems to believe every single thing that you say to me. I’m one who doesn’t let my pride and ego be placed at the bottom, but when things comes to you and love, those two are basically emotions that I throw way behind my mind, eventually my heart takes the lead.

I never fail to go to bed feeling secure, happy and satisfied after a chat with you every night, but reality hits me real hard when I see the real you. Time after time, I have to face the fact that I’m just the only silly one. Maybe I got so irrational after hearing what you said, read too much into it, placed too much of my own ideas and forgot to think from your point of view.

Different people different perspective is a term that I often use in school to describe the different ideologies that we all have, maybe it would be appropriate to apply it in what I’m facing now. Most probably, to you, it was acceptable, but to me, it was overboard. But again, I would tell myself “who the f*ck am I to care? Why should I be so affected? Am I just being some controlling b*tch?” I don’t know either.

To me, I feel like I’m more Scorpio and you’re the Libra. I as the Scorpio want to hold on to you so tight, wanting to know every single thing happening in your life while you as a Libra just want nothing else but freedom and the social circle inclusive of loads of opposite sex.

Occasions when I feel how I feel now, I dare say it’s not because of your actions, but because I feel insecure, jealous and the feeling of you falling in love with somebody else. I don’t know when this would happen. I sincerely wish for this to never happen, never ever to happen. I don’t know why but I believed that what you told me about how you’re feeling despite everything that has happened. But every time I see some things that happen, I just feel so lied to, so betrayed, so cheated, this never fails to happen all the time.

There are times when I really wanted to tell you not to do it, but I know you’re just really going to not do it instead of insisting it and doing it to prove me wrong, surprise me and make me melt. That’s so you. Now, you’re starting to lose your own language, you’re starting to sound like her more and more and it irritates me so much, because that is what you and her share in common. It’s showing, showing too much of the similarities. I’m starting to lose faith of your feelings and my beliefs.

Knowing how you actually felt for me makes me really touched and happy, but that was the past isn’t it? I’m not one who is going to be satisfied and be on cloud nine over something that happened in the past, I can only be elated if it is happening now. But this isn’t happening now, I’m not sure if it would ever happen with all the emotions and feelings I’m feeling.

I really don’t think how I feel is helping the situation. The lack of communication is killing me, if I can die because we don’t talk; I would’ve already rotted so long ago in the coffin. That is how much the lack in communication is killing me.

Appearing to be cold and happy just to hide all the insecurities and pain seems like a task these days. “The more you force yourself not to cry, the more numb you feel, the higher the possibility you’ll never cry again because you’re so numb that you forgets how pain, hurt and heartache feels like” this is what I don’t wish to become. No matter how hurtful a situation is, no matter how heart-wrenching an incident is, I never wish to stop crying. I don’t want to lose that important emotion and feeling for this is what differentiates what can be lost, and what you cannot live without.

I’m not the kind who takes the first step after such a long silence, I’m not daring enough to do so. This isn’t paddling where the only consequence is capsizing. There is so much to think about before talking to you. Sometimes I silently wished that I’m the one you’re texting instead, I’m the one you’re going out with, I’m the one you’re chatting with, I’m the one you’re waiting for…all these are small little things, yet they mean a lot to me, like really a lot. Because these are the things I’ll love to do with you, these are the little things that means a lot. But knowing the limitations, I know you wouldn’t be texting me, you wouldn’t be going out with me, you wouldn’t be chatting with me and you wouldn’t be waiting for me.

I want look, like how you used to;
I want to talk like before;
I want to go out like those good old days.