Good times pass by in the blink of the eye and the bad ones stay by so long as if it’s taking forever just to get through it. Isn’t this just so true?

When we’re enjoying ourselves, we’re totally in the love of it just because it’s something that we like or prefer doing to something else. Example, the rest time for fartlek always seems to run out real fast unlike the time when we’re paddling, true right?

Training has got more intense as time pass by, as the days to POL-ITE 2010 gets lesser and lesser. Every training session now is crucial to each of us. It’s like a time for us to improve and for us all to train ourselves to enhance our endurance and push ourselves over our own limits.

Saying so much, am I doing any of it? Like any other human, I’m a human too. We all opt for the easier way out. Therefore I conclude, as an athlete, I need to be determined, disciplined and persevere to the very end to achieve what my mind sets on and what my body can obtain.

Training was not bad, still alive and maybe kicking while feeling some aches and pain here and there, but my mind and heart is in a wreck, turmoil. It’s like a catastrophe, I don’t know how to get through it each day because I want things really badly, yet I know deep down rationally that it’s not possible.

It’s like things get better each time, I feel that you care and really want things to work out, but then, it just goes for a total turn for the worse. Guess it’s my paranoia which got the better of me. I hate me for being me. Seriously, now I feel like a stupid idiotic moron bitch. Why am I doing the same thing all the time? I’m sure you’re sick and tired of answering my doubts, and this is all taking a toll on you isn’t it.

Arguments are what make up a MSN conversation now, even the very little SMS-es that I initiate is arguments. They are no longer looked forward from me. Maybe you don’t know, but I stayed up late just to wait for you to get online so that you can click on my account and start a conversation, but well, it never happens does it? It always has to be me clicking on yours and start an argument.

I no longer sense the persistent in your words anymore. It’s like when I say “forget it” I get an “okay” as a reply. It’s a full-stop to the conversation and a lot of anger adding to the already angry me. I don’t like to start or end a conversation like how we’re going.

She say I’m like her, in training, and in love. I don’t want you to become like him, and I don’t want to end up like her. It’ll be my worst nightmare comes true. I can’t help to feel jealous and get paranoid. We don’t text, but you text them a lot; we don’t talk, but you talk to them a lot; we don’t meet/go out together, but you do that with them. We’re so close, yet so far.

Ran tree-top today at MacRitchie today. I cried while running, I cried after running. Thoughts ran wild just like my steps while I was running. I was like a crazy girl running without knowing what I was really doing. I wasn’t paying attention to my own breathing, definitely not realized that I began wheezing until I turned breathless. Didn’t notice the steps I took and I ended up not stepping on the right place. It was disastrous. Ankle and knee now feels so sore, I hate this feeling.

It’s as though we don’t know each other now, like some strangers who hate each other. Yes, hate is the word here, harsh yet applicable. And the feeling of me feeling this hate and strangeness is totally hurting and affecting me. We used to be so close, like really close. We used to share problems, and go out all the time, and now, it’s all becoming a past, a history of us.

Yesterday was hell. The thing you said about my blog, it wounded me as if there was a sharp knife that stabbed right into my heart. I felt so accused, it was so unfair. Apology said, but the hurt lingered on. Your replied flashed through in my mind while I was running, and tears started rolling down. I was drained in my own perspiration and tears I don’t know how to differentiate them, maybe for me, this is a blessing. Just by typing this out, it brings tears to me.

You told me so much, but things are still the same. Am I the variation now? I don’t know, you don’t say, I don’t know what to do. Maybe like what you said, it’s no longer mutual? I don’t know, I really don’t. I feel like a girl, lost in a jungle in the middle of the night, with nothing, no compass, no maps, nothing, and most of all, I’m the girl without any love, aid and help from anyone else.

Yesterday’s incident made me really mad, like fuming mad. I really felt like getting myself inked, ink your name and a phrase across my lower back. Know why, I wanted something to remind me each time I see it, like a reminder of my shame, my deeds and my unreturned love, and lastly to make me regret getting myself inked.

Choices were always opened for you, you never needed to beg to get anyone, and they flock to you like you’re the honey and they, the bees. I was like one of the bees, that tiny little one. Every new guy I meet reminds me of you. It’s getting really hurting, because everything they say or do, I’m able to think of you, it’s as though it’s a reflex, a reaction I cannot control. Even bus rides alone can make me cry.

Everything is like a mental torture now; the only time I feel safe from all these are when I’m sleeping which isn’t a lot. Well, maybe overworking myself out would be the solution. So I would be so tired till I’m unable to think of anything. The strong me seems to have dissipated since we ended things, and I really don’t like this. I’ve never wanted anyone like I wanted you, but is this how you feel for me too?

Your feelings, I would like to know;
Your love, I would love to get;
Your heart, I would want to keep.