I know it’s not right of me to just leash out everything here when I didn’t ask for the people involved consents, but then again, since I don’t mention names so I guess it’s still okay, at least to me it is. And yes, everything is written in my perspective, mine. So if I do get things wrong, tell me, don’t just bury it and hold a grudge against me, because like what I’ve said: written in owns view.

At times, I blame you on why are you not sensitive enough to read my thoughts. I always feel like everyone else knows how I feel except for you and it pains me. Aren’t you supposed to be the one who knows me the most, but yet why are you the only one who doesn’t know.

I really want to put the blame on you, but I just can’t bear to. Every time when I tell myself “no, don’t talk to the person first, wait for them to come to me”, I end up being the one to approach you first, because you really didn’t initiate it at all, not even a single hint.

There are just times when I stayed and wait for you, but after meeting you, I feel left out. Aren’t you like supposed to introduce then walk me out? There’s nothing, makes me feel like an intruder into your social circle, a stranger, complete stranger who knows nothing about you or them.

Seeing things that I hate to see makes me feel so stupid. I know I shouldn’t feel that way and that it’s me making myself feel that way, but still, it affected me like so damn much. I’ve never felt that way before, NEVER. But now I do, and I don’t like it, neither do you. Maybe to you, there’s no need in saying, but to me, it’s like recognition. Yes I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s just like a security? And what now, just after you rejected me, I see something.

Not talking, not meeting to you seems alright, to me, it showed me that you can live without me. It’s filled with rejections, disappointments and I know you don’t mean it that way, but it’s just how everything is making me feel. I could handle it, but not now. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t anymore.

They are indispensable and I’m disposable.
In comparison, I’m just a plan B.