First thing first, pardon my vulgarities here today. I’ve never been this affected and cranky before, this is my very first, and I hope it’s the very last.

Day was supposed to end great for me;

Went for Sunday training, was down in K1 and coach gave me the chance to paddle in Nelo, it was like awesome. Training was great, super productive on my part; technique was more or less coming back. I even managed to clock 15 rounds, what an achievement for me because it’s been long since I last paddled that distance.

Not only this, I got to spend some time with Zixin, Eewern, Eileen and Clarice in the shed messing around. Attempted to sand Saw the way Clarice tried to behave like small kid and a dog. We then went for a bath later on, and had lunch at MacDonald’s.

Till now, everything was perfect, I was a happy girl, and until I saw something I really hated to see. It was fucking upsetting. I’ve never felt that affected before, not even the last time I saw something similar happening. You lied, I believed, I saw, and then I realized, it was nothing but fucking lies. Note the plural form “lies”.

Till now, I believed your every single word. Everything I felt for you was real, and I thought you felt the same just that you needed some cool down period. Till today I saw, I realized what a fool I was. All the tears I shed was nothing, it was just not needed. I came to realized, I’ve been the fool holding on so much, I was merely holding on to something that wasn’t even there to begin with.

Been such a fool to just fall into it that fast, it was like a free –fall.
There are your close friends, and when couples argue, they bring up everything, and when I brought it up, about you and your close friends, I saw an answer that was pure disappointment. To say that I don’t trust you was too accusing, because you’re the one who doubted me. The doubt was right from the very start.

You hid things from me right from the very start, to even think that I was so lucky to have you back, which was such an understatement. I was totally blinded; I don’t even remember I had a brain to use to think about how things were going to turn out. Straight away, I fell into that hole that I got out from not long ago; plain dumbness.

You said I was stubborn, yes I don’t deny, but I feel it’s more of the pride and ego of me. I left this two behind when I was with you, trying to let you be the one dominating the relationship like any other guy would (stereotyping). But now, I realized I threw too much of those away that I became like worthless to you, so now you see it; reminder: it’s not stubbornness you see, it’s called pride, my pride, my ego.

Everything that happened between us was plain sweetness and love, it ended up destroyed because of the misunderstandings and insecurities that you fail to reassure. Chances given, opportunities wasted and people taken for granted.

I loved you and I felt taken advantage of; because of the intensity of the feelings I had for you, I became the weaker one, the one who cries when everything ends, and the one who begs when you say it’s over. I sound like a total loser here.

That is so not me.

I’ve realized how much I’ve changed ever since I met you. I became really dependent on you, which totally freaked me out in the beginning. The kind of dependency on you was scary, I felt instantly lost when you were gone. It was like I’ve lost the control button on my remote. Walking around aimlessly, missing buses, making wrong predictions about arrival timings, everything was going haywire.

Thought it was all going be so freaking worth it, but it turned out I was totally wrong about it.

I came to this point where I think I gave in too much in this relationship, to make things worse; I put in the efforts twice. To think that I thought you were different was just a stupid thought of mine. Was too happy thinking we got back, too happy with those sweet memories, too elated with the attention and care that you gave, I forgot to use my brain to think.

To think that I’m using my brain now, it’s a little way too late.
Who said it was the best to follow the heart? It’s such a wrong move, listening to your brain would be a much intelligent decision to make.

I just have to learn things the hard way, always.
Pride and ego, I’m not going to leave you for some guy anymore, I’m sorry.