There’s nothing good about this week at all. It’s just like a minor hell to me.

Losing the urge to keep up my grades, losing the passion and discipline to actually attend trainings recently, and to make things worse, well, there’s nothing good about me and you, just plain nothing.

Square one, we’re back in there. That big argument we had just landed us on this very awkward stage, at least it is for me. It makes me feel like I don’t know you enough; I don’t know what to do, or rather, what I should be doing.

I’ve never relied on one man this much, yes, I’ve never been dependent, but I think I met my match this time round. Attention has never been a problem to me before, I’ve always been able to get them to talk to me, to be the one texting and telling me how much they miss me and all, but with you, I don’t.

When I say I feel inferior, I meant it. I’ve never had problem with self esteem, because I just didn’t have that problem. But suddenly with you, I have loads of problem with that. Remember those times you got mad at things when it wasn’t even my fault, you were all moody and angsty, and I was the one who took it all in, silently. I didn’t argue back because I felt like I had a fault in landing you in that mood. I tried to make things better, to cheer you up, but I couldn’t, but just a text from your friends gave you a smile on your face. I felt happy, because yea, you’re finally feeling better, but I felt inferior because I tried so hard to make you smile, and I just couldn’t.

You may never get to read this, you may think I’m overreacting, or think that what nonsense am I sprouting this time round, but this is my real feelings. The exact feeling I’ve felt at that very point of time.

To add to that, things just ain’t any better at trainings. Been losing that urge I had for trainings recently. I used to be the one who’ll go trainings no matter how tired I am because I just want to paddle and improve, but now, I just continue sleeping on.

Yesterday training made me realized that I’ve had no improvements and lots of drop in technique and all. You may think that I don’t understand that feeling because I’ve always been on the top, no I do know that feeling. I started out at the last, when every single one in the team finished, I’m the one who’s only done half of the sets given. And I paddled even harder and attended a lot more trainings to make sure that hard work would actually allow me to improve and get faster. Yes, it allowed me to be better, a lot better, but now, I’m dropping.

I’ve got very high expectations for myself because since I was born, canoe is the only thing that I can say I’m proud of. I wasn’t good at my academics and neither was I performing well in my previous sports. Canoe made me feel like I could achieve, canoe allowed me to feel things that I’ve never felt before. I made friends in canoe, had enemies, found a guy I really love, and most importantly, it made me realized that I could actually do well in a sport that is competitive.

You may be thinking why I am thinking so much over just one training session, because to me, it isn’t just a training session. I see each training as a small transition, you do well in training one, you’ll be able to progress to training two slowly that kind, and if you don’t do well, it’ll take a lot more to allow that progress.

Losing hasn’t really been my thing, I hate losing; I hate it. It makes me feel useless; it brings out the weak side of me. And I hate being in a heated argument. There are times when I just have so many things I hate about you, but I just don’t say because I don’t want to start a fight. I swallow it all down and just accept whatever you say. And well, that’s a very special case because I do not allow myself to be said to be the one at fault when I’m not, but when with you, my rules changed.

Sometimes I really get scared of saying out my feelings and thoughts to you and maybe even start a fight with you. Because I know we’ll end up on opposite ends with humongous space between us. Like the South and North Pole, never going to meet each other, ever.

Since the apology, I feel like talking to you all the time, and I fought that urge to do so just so to avoid the reason why we started that recent huge argue we had. It just came to me that I’ve made a lot of efforts trying to make things work out, like seriously a lot. And I just hope…lets just not hope and see how it goes from here.

Iloveyou, always.